Crossing the Threshold into the New Year

It's almost here. We made it, and the new year is almost here. 

We stand on the threshold ready to enter a new year, and that means leaving the old year behind. Many, perhaps most of us, are more than eager to say goodbye to 2020. We had no idea what the year would bring, but here's the deal. We never know what the new year will bring. It is always uncertain, unknown.

Now is the perfect time--during these last days of December and first days of January--to pause and reflect on the lessons learned and maybe even open to the gifts gained during the last months. 

           There are times when everything seems easy, and
           times when it all seems impossibly hard. To make
           that manageable, we just have to remember that our
           present will one day become a past, and our future
              will be our present. We know that because it's happened
           before. The things we put behind us will often come around
                again. The things that trouble us now will one day be past

           history. Each time we endure the cycle, we ratchet up a notch. 

           We learn from the last time around, and we do a few things 

           better this time, we develop tricks of the mind to see us through.

           This is how progress is made.
                                Wintering, The Power of Rest and Retreat in
                                Difficult Times by Katherine May, p. 239

Therefore, I invite you to pull up a chair into the silence and have a closing conversation with 2020. Get out your journal. Perhaps start a new one. Be with a trusted friend, loved one, or your spiritual director --someone who will listen and help you sort through and uncover what you most need to know, in order to move forward into the new year. 

Here are some key questions to consider or statements to complete as you consider the past year:

1.  When I think about the past year, I...

2.   The most challenging part of 2020 for me was.... 

3.   What/who saved my life in the last year? What worked for me in the past year?

4.    Where did I notice the movement of God in my life? And how did I grow because of my awareness of God's presence?

5.    Who were the wise ones, my companions, in my life and what did they reveal to me?

6.   In what ways was I a wise one to someone else?    

7.    What spiritual practices supported me during the year? 

8.    What surprised me about my response to the challenge of the year? 

I read somewhere that each of the first twelve days in January represents one month of the coming year. In other words the first day stands for January, the second for February, and so on. And, of course, we are still in the Christmas season as we move towards Epiphany and the arrival of the Wise Men (I prefer to think there were Wise Women, too). In both cases there is an invitation to think about what we offer the new year, what we bring into the new year.

What is the gold, frankincense, and myrrh you carry with you?

How can I strengthen my relationship with the Holy One? What spiritual practices could enhance that relationship? 

What calls to me? 

What is at the heart of my new year's prayer?

You may notice that I have not used the word "resolutions." You may have specific steps in mind to improve the quality of your life, and I wish you good luck with those, but instead, envision your intentions. I love these suggestions from Elle Harris.

                            Look for opportunity.

                            Chase kindness.

                            Discover something new.

                            Let go of something.

                                        Walk with hope.

                            Fall into wonder.  

What a wonderful year 2021 could be, no matter what we face, if we open ourselves to God's enfolding love as we live into these intentions.

                Faithful Companion, in this new year I pray:
                        to live deeply, with purpose,
                        to live wisely, with humility,
                        to live lovingly, with fidelity,
                        to live gratefully, with generosity,
                        to live freely, with detachment,
                        to live justly, with compassion,
                        to live mindfully, with awareness,
                        to live fully, with enthusiasm.
                Help me to hold this vision and to daily renew it in
                my heart, becoming ever more one with you,
                my truest Self.
                                            Joyce Rupp

An Invitation

What are your thoughts as you stand on the threshold of the new year? I would love to know.

NOTE: I have prepared a very simple guide, "Crossing the Threshold into the New Year." If you would like a PDF, send me an email, nagneberg48@gmail.com and I will forward to you. 

Watch for my first post in the new year when I list my favorite books of 2020. 

                            Happy New Year!

   

 

 

 

Touch the Sky and Praying with Bison: Tuesdays' Reflection

I intended today's post to be about a field trip Bruce and I took to Blue Mounds State Park and Touch the Sky Prairie, both in Luverne, MN, about three and a half hours from our St Paul home.


























I intended to rejoice in the beauty of the prairie--its wildflowers, its expanse where one feels and sees the wind, its diversity and its invitation to open one's eyes and look far into the horizon. I intended to share my surprise when a hawk lifted up in front of me and when one of the trails ended at a waterfall, and the sound of the water mixed with the sound of the wind.




I intended to share all sorts of facts about bison, thanks to our knowledgeable and enthusiastic guide, Amber, at the Blue Mounds State Park, where there is a herd of about 70 bison. "I love bison," she proclaimed, and maybe, I do now, too! Buffalo and bison are the same, she told us as we bounced along a rough trail in an open safari like vehicle. Herds are matriarchal with only one male in attendance during breeding season, and each herd has a well-defined hierarchy. I was intending to share these facts and more.

I intended to encourage you to visit the wonders that may exist almost in your back yard. What would someone from a distance travel to see that you have been meaning to see yourself, but haven't yet? I intended to promote local tourism and to give thanks and praise to all those who have helped maintain these gifts of beauty.

Instead, I am compelled to express my deep sadness again because of the senseless tragedies of this past weekend. Instead, I cry, "Oh, no. Not again." 

At the same time I intend to pay attention to the lessons and the gifts of the prairie and the bison and offer them to you.

Just as the prairie grasses reach toward the sky, we can lift our hopes, our prayers.

Just as the wildflowers in all their glorious colors and shapes grow together, blooming in each other's company, so can we.

Just as bison remind us of earlier times when indigenous peoples were the rightful inhabitants of this land, and  white Europeans were the immigrants, we can open our arms and hearts to all those who seek refuge. 

Just as Native American spirituality honors the bison as a symbol of prayer and abundance, we can remember that all life is sacred.

               To honor another's pathway, even if it brings
               you sadness, is part of the message that Buffalo
               brings. This may be a time of reconnection to the
               meaning of life and the value of peace. Most 
               assuredly this time will bring serenity amidst 
               the chaos if you pray in earnest for enlightenment
               and the power of calmness and give praise for the
               gifts you already have.  
                                 Medicine Cards, The Discovery of Power
                                 Through the Ways of Animals
                                  Jamie Sams and David Carson

Just as our exuberant guide Amber invited us to enter a minute of silence as we watched the bison, I invite you to sit in silence and lift a prayer for all who survive, for all who have a chance to make a difference, and that we may each reach beyond our own false limitations and just do something.

An Invitation
What is your intention today? I would love to know.

New Year's Thoughts: Thursday's Reflection

The other day I watched Anne Lamott on a Ted Talk. As always, she was quirky and amusing and wise. Her topic was what she has learned now that she is no longer 47, the age she still imagines herself to be. She is 61, by the way. This is a whole other topic, but what is your "imaginary age"? Mine is somewhere in the 50's, but it doesn't take more than a glance in the mirror to bring me back to reality.

Back to Anne Lamott. She listed things like "All truth is paradox," and "Almost everything will work again if you unplug and restart it, including you." 

One of her truths was about food. "Try to do a little better." I like that approach and since the New Year I have been trying to eat a little better, cook a little better, and to spend more time in the produce department when I grocery shop. 

I haven't made a big sweeping New Year's Resolution to lose x pounds and get into shape. Been there, done that. Instead, my intention is to try to do a little better, and I feel good about that.

It occurs to me that trying to do a little better is a good idea in other areas of life, too. What are the "shoulds" in your life? Do you ever think...

I should go to bed earlier.
I should spend less time on social media.
I should read more and watch less tv.
I should volunteer more in my community and church.
I should entertain more.
I should spend more time with aging parents.
I should get rid of all the clutter in my house.
I should finally start writing the book I say I want to write.
I should organize all my photographs.
I should plan my memorial service. 
I should be a better listener. 

Do any of these fit? What have I missed? 
Well, what would happen if you simply and gently tried to do a little better? I think you might be surprised.

An Invitation
What are the ways you are trying to do a little better? I would love to know. 

Entry to the New Year: Tuesday's Reflections

My plan for this first post of 2016 was to offer inspiration for entering the new year. Perhaps a meditation to use in this first week or thoughts about setting intentions for the new year. However, I find I am creeping into the new year. Actually, I am sniffling and coughing. 

Normally, putting away the Christmas decorations energizes me to do a thorough cleaning of the whole house, noting places and tasks to do soon in the new year. Usually, my thank you notes are written by this time, along with follow-up notes to some of the letters we received in Christmas cards. Not this year. 

I relish the process of envisioning intentions for the coming year. Where and how do I most want to spend my time and energy? What is pulling on my heart? I often reread the past year's journals and spend time sitting quietly thinking about what has given pleasure and how I have experienced growth. That may yet happen, but it is hard for clarity to occur when one is in the midst of a coughing fit. 

I shared with my writing group last week what I hope will be my motto this year, "Avec vous ecrit aujourd'hui?" Have you written today? The answer so far is "no," except for this post and some of my thank you notes and a few emails along the way. 

This is not the way I hoped to start the new year. 

But so be it. 

The coughing will end, and a solid night's sleep will return. I will feel more myself soon, and then I will create my own new year. 

In the meantime, I am grateful for the sun that has been shining lately, for the memories of a wonderful holiday, and for the awareness that this less than full speed ahead state is temporary. 

An Invitation
How has your entry into the new year been? In what ways can you make each day a new year? I would love to know. 

Tuesday's Reflections: Moving into the New Year

These are cold days here in Minnesota, and I am not inclined to leave the warmth and coziness of our house. Instead, I become a bear, which in Native American spirituality symbolizes introspection, and I willingly hibernate. My hibernation is not so much about escaping from the cold or taking a time out from life's varied activities, especially after the busyness of the holidays, but rather this is a time to reset my timer and my pace, and to guide me towards my intentions , direction and outlook for living in this new year.  

Creating a Container of Space: A Meditation
Perhaps, you need a time of hibernation and introspection, too. Perhaps, you feel a bit muddled about direction for this new year or you may feel a bit reluctant to let go of what was and move to what is and what can be. If so, here's a way to begin.  

Close your eyes, lightly, not tightly, and take deep cleansing breaths until you find your own easy rhythm. 

Picture a square. Choose a corner of that square. Count to four as you slowly inhale, keeping your focus on the corner of the square you have chosen.

As you exhale, move to the next corner, reaching it on the count of four. Rest in that corner, inhaling to four.

Leave the corner on the exhale and move to the third corner. Inhale again. Exhale again as you move to the corner where you started this journey. Inhale again to complete the square.

Notice the space you have created as you gently inhale and exhale. Notice the boundaries and the space outside of the square. You have created a container of sacred space in which you can rest and restore and reset what needs to be refreshed. 

Your sacred space is also a space of exploration. What is inside the square with you? What is there no longer room for in your space? What would like to enter the space with you? What is hovering outside the space, just barely within sight, but you know it is there, awaiting a welcome from you? What questions, images, sounds arise as you move within your sacred space? In what ways are you challenged to expand the boundaries of your own experience? Move into the center of the square and pay attention to what that feels like.

When you are ready, open your eyes and take a deep cleansing breath. This breath releases all tension you might be holding without erasing the sacred space you have created for yourself. This space can be a sanctuary whenever you need it, allowing you to connect with your inner voice, with Spirit, whenever you need it. You can breathe yourself into awareness of the holy. You can breathe yourself into deeper understanding of who you were created to be. 

          If we choose to believe that there are many questions
          to life, we must also believe that the answers to these
          questions reside within us. Each and every being has 
          the capacity to quiet the mind, enter the silence and
         know. 
                           Jamie Sams and David Carson
                           Medicine Cards, The Discovery of Power
                           Through The Ways of Animals, p. 57
                           http://www.medicinecards.com
                            
Working With My Square
I spent time at the beginning of this week responding to a New Year's Exercise for Writers posed by Mary Carroll Moore, the facilitator of the online writing class I took this fall. http://howtoplanwriteanddevelopabook.blogspot.com She suggested listing writing accomplishments of this past year, grounding oneself in the strengths of the past year. That is not always easy to do, but frankly, I was quite surprised at what I did in 2014, even though it was a challenging year in a variety of ways and a year in which I thought my writing goals had taken a back seat. The next step was to examine what writing has given me this past year, and words like purpose, balance, stability, joy and pleasure, inner growth, structure, and self-confidence came tumbling out on the page. 

Then, and only then, was it time to look ahead to this new year. "Imagine yourself at the end of 2015," the exercise prompts, "what would you most want to accomplish during the year?"  

I sat quietly, closed my eyes and breathed myself back to the sacred space I had created. I moved from corner to corner and then rested in the center, allowing the litany of possibilities to flow over and through and around me. As always, there is so much I want to do, so much I hope to accomplish, and with each new year, I am more and more aware of the need not to set aside, not to put off what is most important. Within my sacred space, I found clarity, at least for the moment and I now feel more prepared to enter this new year. 

         May your coming year be filled with magic and 
         dreams and good madness. I hope you read some
         fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're
         wonderful. And don't forget to make some art--write
         or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And,
         I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise
         yourself. 
                                 Neil Gaiman

An Invitation
I invite you to create your inner sacred space as you enter this new year. Perhaps use the Mary Carroll Moore's questions as a guide and allow yourself to see what comes into clearer view and how you are called to live this year? What are you prepared to do to make this year one that finds you being the person you were created to be? I would love to know. 

Thursday's Reflection: Happy New Year!

Ready to party!

Nope, the title is not a mistake. Happy New Year! Recently, a friend, wrote me that she has decided July is the start of a new year for her. Although she is grieving the death of her father and dealing with ongoing extended family issues, she has declared July is the beginning of a new year for her. The grief will not disappear nor will the family dynamics magically change, but she has remembered her love of "fresh starts" and is  choosing to live with a new perspective. After all, July is the beginning of the second half of the year, so bravo -- and Happy New Year!

           Behold! I am making all things new.
                             Revelations 21:5


What about you? What areas of your life need renewal, a fresh start? Are there aspects of yourself that need to be reclaimed? Do you feel the need for an overhaul or do you need to lighten up in some way? Sue Patton Thoele refers to the process of renewal as "re-greening the arid places," and how perfect that seems during the summer months when our eyes are bombarded with all things green. Renewal, it seems to me, is always possible, even if it doesn't seem probable.

Another friend said she is looking at the month of July as a time to  make her life "simpler, easier, and richer." Her intentions made me think about what renewing qualities I would like to bring into my own life right now. Here's what I am trying to bring into this new year:
                         
                         Strength
                         Spontaneity
                         Mindfulness

Even though my ankle has healed well, this feels like a critical time to intentionally rebuild my strength and stamina. I need to pay attention to what my body most needs, whether it is more exercise or more rest and better eating habits. A major challenge for this sedentary person! At the same time, I want to be more open to invitations and possibilities and to look for them. I choose to be spontaneous.  Be awake, I tell myself. Pay attention. Use the spiritual tools that serve me well, reminding me to be mindful. What does this moment need and ask of me? How is God moving in my life right now and what deeper, richer connections can I make? 

         God darts by; sometimes I notice.
                      Lauren F. Winner

My intention as I start my new year in this month of July is to ask myself moment to moment if what I am doing fulfills my desire for renewal. May it be so. 

An Invitation
What needs to be renewed in your life right now? What can't wait till the next new year? I would love to know.

January Reflection: Getting, Being Organized

Note: I wrote this post a few days ago, and tomorrow it is finally moving day. Because Thursday will be more than busy,  I am posting this a day earlier than my normal schedule.

Boxes in the Bathtub!

Clutter in the Kitchen!

Cartons in the Corners!









I know that January is the month when we are supposed to get our homes and lives organized. Every magazine bursts with ideas about what to do with the excess paper in your life and how to rearrange your pantry cupboard and your closets. Plastic bins of every size are on sale. This is the time to redo your address book and line up all the receipts and statements you need to pay taxes. My father, for example, told me the other day that he had put everything together for his accountant on New Year's Day while he was watching the football games. 

It's a New Year, after all, so let's get organized.

Delayed Organization
Well, friends, it is going to be awhile before that is a reality in my life. 

Organizing and being organized normally is not particularly challenging for me. I love figuring out new systems and reworking the ones I already have. Happiness for me in the years I was working full-time was getting new Franklin Planner pages and filling them in on New Year's Day. Also on New Year's Day I would reread the Christmas cards and write follow up notes. I would make lists of areas in the house that needed an organizational redo or upgrade. With the new year has always come energy to cut the clutter and freshen my surroundings with greater efficiency and ease. 

Not this year! As I said, there are boxes in the bathtub, and clutter in the kitchen and cartons in the corners--every corner! 

Eventually, I will feel more organized. Soon I will be unpacking boxes and finding just the right spot for everything. Even though we are downsizing --really downsizing--I am confident I will get our new home comfortable and functional and organized. Some day.

Right now, however, the challenge is to endure the chaos, to keep the Big Picture in view. And living in such disorder is not easy for me. While my husband tends to get a bit manic, I tend to slow down and get even more methodical. Thank heaven, we balance each other and understand which parts of the process we are each best suited for. And somehow it evens out, and we know eventually we will accomplish what needs to be done and soon contentment in our new surroundings will be ours. At times, however, it has been hard to see it through the Great Wall of Containers! 

Delayed New Year's Day
As I write this, moving day is almost here. I woke this morning thinking for perhaps the first time that everything we need to do before the moving truck pulls up will, in fact, be accomplished. We have worked hard and occasionally been tested, but kept our eyes on the prize, and have not faltered in our plan, our dream, even when it was taking so long to come true. Waiting now to get organized in the new year doesn't seem so bad. 

I have written in year's past about my intentions for the new year, but I am not going to do that yet--maybe February. After all, a new year can begin in a moment, any moment you choose or the universe says, "Now!", and that may not be on New Year's Day. 

Right now my intention is take one step at a time, fill bags for donations to St Vincent de Paul, empty the refrigerator, and begin cleaning the house for the new owners. 


An Invitation
What is inviting to be organized in your life? Perhaps it is a desk drawer or a closet or two, but maybe something inside feels cluttered and needs to be cleared away? What new year thoughts are you having today? I await your thoughts. 

What Now?, a post by Nancy L. Agneberg

An announcement. A scary announcement. As part of my intention to Live Fully Now, I will write 8-10 hours a week. This does not include writing emails or letters or even writing in my journal, but it does include writing posts on this blog. It means starting a new writing project. That sounds like a simple enough statement, but let me unpack it a bit. First of all, there is the commitment to write--a commitment I am not only making to myself, but I am announcing it to anyone reading this blog. Underneath this commitment is an understanding that I am not living fully if I am not living as a writer. I have been published a few times, but my one attempt at a book is still in manuscript form with no book contract in the offing. Even so, I have known I am a writer since I was in the 6th grade. 
     Two mothers who had volunteered to organize a school newspaper asked me to write a poem for the first edition, and I remember feeling pleased about that until they said they would wait while I wrote it. I sat at my desk, and they sat in the empty classroom with me and chatted with each other and waited for me to write a poem. I knew there was something wrong with the notion of poetry on demand. I knew that wasn't the way I worked or felt my way into inspiration. I knew they had no idea what it was to be a writer, but somehow I did. I managed to write a poem,  and I recall not being totally unhappy with it--until it appeared in the school newspaper, and I discovered they had edited it and in my mind, changed the whole meaning of it, damaging my integrity as a writer! That experience in an upside down way confirmed to me even more that I am a writer. 
     Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I do what the writer Ann Beattie says she does. She vacuums instead of writes. I have been doing that a lot this last year, and that's why I need to state clearly that I am wearing my writer's hat this year. I need to remember what writer Sophy Burnham's spiritual director said to her, "Did you ever consider that God puts longings in our hearts in order that we execute them?" 
     But here's the next part of the scary announcement: What should I write? Well, that's what I have been grappling with these days. What's next? What now? And that's what the mess on my desk is all about. I have been reading notebooks, a stack of notebooks full of snippets of ideas and half started projects. I have browsed my files and my bookshelves. I have read journal entries and looked at past blog posts. I have meditated. I have brainstormed with myself, jotting down themes and possible titles. I have addressed the question, "What book do I want to read? What book if I saw it in the book store would I wish I had written myself?" I have paid attention to where my energy and engagement seems to be. What material will reinforce my intention to Live Life Fully?
     I think I have an answer and a direction, but then comes the next part of the scary announcement: beginning! Sophy Burnham in her book For Writers Only offers this wisdom.
      When I am happiest, I write almost every day. For long periods, however, my time is taken. Days pass...weeks. Then I forget all over again how to write. I forget I can begin. I forget I ever once began. At times like these, then, fear and doubt must be fought with all the weapons in our arsenal. These include: affirmations, prayer, stillness, trusting, waiting, walking, reading, not reading. Writing about my fear and writing this book now to remind myself of how creation comes."
      I will begin. I am beginning. I am beginning, however, with an additional intention that comes with some degree of wisdom, I think. A reminder to be gentle with myself, to remember that life happens, and an intention is a hope, a plan, a work in progress, but not a rule measured and punished. So far this week I have been wearing the writer's hat for just over 6 hours, so I seem to be on my way. I am keeping the question Avez-vous ecrit aujourd'hui? (Have you written today?) in front of me.
    What about you? What's next? What now? What needs to begin yet again? Or for the first time? What needs to be part of your life for you to know that you are living life fully?

     
     

Cancellations as "Found" Time, a post by Nancy L. Agneberg

Recently, plans have changed. Dates and appointments have been cancelled. An evening out with friends. A phone date. A lunch date. A visit from a friend. A visit to a friend. Even an appointment for a showing of our house was cancelled. Most of these items on my calendar have been rescheduled (Not the house showing appointment, however. Rats!), and most are just examples of life happening. Understandable and acceptable. Rarely do I worry about possible motivations underlying the change. Most of the time I don't view the cancellation as a criticism or disinterest, but instead, just one of those things. 

The Gift of Found Time

     However, this bundle of recent cancellations does make me wonder why so many in a short period of time? Is the Universe trying to tell me something? A message to be more flexible? An opportunity to be present to challenges in others' lives? A chance to let go of some control? To breathe? 

    Over the years people in my life have heard me use the phrase "Found Time." When plans change that open up space I didn't expect to have, I think of that as "found time." Sometimes found time happens when I am in the waiting room of a doctor's office or waiting to get my hair cut or an airline flight has been cancelled or delayed. I amaze myself, frankly, in those situations that I don't feel irritated or frustrated. Most of the time I am able to shrug my shoulders and exhibit patience.  I always have a book or magazine with me, so I relax easily into my found time with little or no  resentment. Sometimes, for example yesterday when the house showing scheduled for the mid afternoon was cancelled with a phone call first thing in the morning, I suddenly felt I had a whole day ahead of me; a day that did not need to include vacuuming and dusting. And a day that even included an extra hour, thanks to the clocks being set back, Talk about Found Time! 

How to Use Found Time

     I recognize that the experience of found time is a chance to listen to my heart. What is it I most want to do right now? My immediate inclination when there is a sudden appearance of found time is to fill it. Do errands I didn't think I would have time for. Do the next thing on the list of tasks for the week. Get a jump on something I planned to do tomorrow. Be productive. Accomplish something. Finish something I thought I would have to set aside. 

But sometimes I hear and respond to another message in the sudden appearance of found time. "Nancy, put your feet up. Sit. Relax. Enjoy time to read or write in your journal or take a walk. Slow down and listen to your heart." 

     Because there have been so many instances of "found time" lately, I have to wonder if instead of being asked to consider only my use of the immediate time, although that is a gift in itself,  am I being prodded to reflect on the bigger picture? How is it I want to be in the time I have left here on earth? How is it I am supposed to use my time? What is my purpose for this stage of my life? My call? I must admit I am struggling with that a bit these days, sitting in the midst of transition, a transition that feels a bit stuck to me. 

A New Intention 

     Therefore, now seems like a good time for a new intention; an intention that will not only help me respond to unexpected moments of found time, but will be a reminder to live in the present, for I believe it is in the present where we are given hints about the life we are meant to live

     My new intention:

For the next two months I will live fully in this house and in this holiday time of family and friends. I will honor requests for showings, but will treat them as a bonus and not as expected.

     As a sign of living fully here and now in this house, I moved my laptop back to the room on the lower level I have used as my office. Some potential buyers have not been able to imagine how to use this space, so I have "staged" it to look more like a family room. Many of my spirituality books, however, are still on the shelves, along with board games for family fun. This is where I feel most inspired to write and where I need to be. Here I can better fulfill my intention and find the time to write and study and pray. Here I can live in Found Time.

Reflection Questions

     How do you use "found time"? How do you respond when plans are cancelled? 

     What new intention is asking to be acknowledged in your life?

One last thing: Here in Wisconsin we continue to have lovely fall weather, although the temperatures are a bit cooler. These are "found" days. 

House for Sale: Life on Hold?, posted by Nancy L. Agneberg

Show Time
Yesterday we had a showing, our 4th since the house went on the market the end of last week. Notice I said "the" house and not "our" house--a shift and a readiness. Anyway, I noticed how uptight I get before a showing. I don't sleep well, rehearsing what I need to do to prepare the house for potential buyers, as if it weren't picture perfect already.  (Click here to see the video of the house.) As I move through my showing checklist, washing the towels used that morning, emptying wastebaskets, wiping down sinks, packing up my laptop, sweeping the porch floor, vacuuming and dusting--in other words a high speed re-cleaning of the entire house, I panic about whether I will have enough time or will I still be turning on the lights, every light in every room, as the realtor and potential buyer arrive? I am a force to be reckoned with as I go through this process. Pity my husband as he sits drinking his morning coffee and reading the paper. I become a cartoon character with the words "GO TO WORK -- NOW!" in the balloon above my head. 
     Once the house is ready to do its own magic and I lock the door and leave, I am calm once again. I am clear. I have done what I can. I know the house looks wonderful, and what happens, happens. I relinquish control, and I am delighted someone is interested enough to imagine themselves living in this home. 
What Now?
      But then another issue takes precedence, an issue with immediate repercussions during showing times when I am an outcast from the house, but more importantly, an issue that pervades the in-between time of preparing to list the house and actually selling the house. What now? How do I use this time? What is this in-between time for? How can I best use this unknown amount of time? How do I continue to live fully and wholly as I wait to move forward into the next step? And even, how do I live in this house as I mentally detach from this house, but don't know how long this home will remain our home? 
     For the time being the hard work is done. True, there are other tasks I can continue doing in preparation for an actual move. There are many bins and drawers to sort through and many treasures, thanks to years of collecting antiques, to dispose of in order to move into a smaller space.  I will continue that process, but that is not exactly what I mean. 
     During another time of waiting to sell a house, I read, "Don't let the time do you. You do the time." (Holly W. Whitcomb in Seven Spiritual Gifts of Waiting) This is not a time to wait for my life to begin. I am 64 years old. My life began a long time ago! No, this is a time to continue living, even if it means living lightly in this house. My spiritual director reminded me recently, "Let life happen--all of it." Not only does that mean responding to what swirls around me, but also intentionally opening to the possibilities and opportunities of this time. What's the best way I can live during this time? 
Making a List and Checking it Twice
     And so I did what always works for me: I made a list. I have a special designated notebook, started when we were preparing to list the house, for this purpose. A notebook with a sketch of a wheelbarrow and the word "Unload" on the cover. How appropriate is that? I created a page for each room in the house with its own To Do list. Very helpful.  Recently, I added two pages. "Where to Go During Showings" and "How To Use This Time." One might not think it would be hard to decide where to go while someone is in the house and true, so far, I have used those times for errands, but in the flurry of disembarking, I don't always have a clear picture of where to land. My list helps me sort through the possibilities. 
     "How To Use This Time" is a broader, deeper list. An expanding list, which includes: 
             * Write more blog posts and read other blogs.
             * Contact friends here I haven't seen for awhile.
             * Start a new writing project.
             * Renew study of the enneagram.
             * Rework my manuscript on grief and loss.
             * Continue with massive project of putting pictures in archival albums.
             * Resume regular exercise routine and walk more. 
Active Waiting and No Regrets
     In other words this needs to be a time of "active waiting," to quote Whitcomb again. This is not a time to insure regrets. When the house is ultimately sold and packing and re-settling become the overriding activities, I do not want to regret wasting this time. I don't want to look back and see that I have not used this time well. 
     I don't mean to imply that I need to be 'busy" all the time. A degree of rest and rejuvenation is needed. I am thrilled to have more spaciousness to sit on the front porch or deck and read. No, I am not advocating doing for the sake of doing, doing to fill the time. Instead, I want to be intentional about the open space of this time. I want to live this time wholly and fully, calmly and clearly. Even on the days when there is a showing. 
    





       

Flexible Intentions

     My intention today was to clean the house. The entire house. Top to bottom. I intended to clean, not because Monday is cleaning day, but because the house needs to be cleaned. Unlike my mother, I don't have a regular cleaning day. Mom cleaned on Thursdays, and I must admit I sometimes dreaded coming home from school on Thursdays, knowing she had been working hard and would be tired and who knows what I would track in or mess up. Nope, no regular cleaning day for me. I clean when the house demands it, and the schedule allows it. Today is the day, I announced to myself, for the winter sun is shining unrelentingly on thick dust, and too many nights of having supper in the den has taken its toll. Fortunately, I generally enjoy cleaning.  
     So how has the day proceeded?  Well, first I decided to go downstairs and do my morning emails and then I wrapped the Valentine presents that should go in the mail tomorrow, and as long as I was in the wrapping mode, I might as well wrap our grandson's birthday presents. Then I put away the stack of books on my desk that looked like a library's RETURN HERE section, leading me to do a general reshuffling of my bookshelves.  One thing led to another. Eventually, I told myself I would clean the lower level first and then head upstairs by noon.
     It is now nearly 4:00 and here I still am in my office on the lower level. I have dusted, and I have vacuumed, but the first and second floors remain untouched. I haven't even taken a shower yet today, but am still wearing my morning exercise clothes, and my hair needs washing.  Please, no one ring the doorbell this afternoon! And I have no idea what we are going to have for dinner because I have yet to go to the grocery store. 
     That's the thing about intentions. Sometime they aren't the real thing. Sometimes they are meant to be changed. Sometimes it is important to be flexible. I recently read a book called Aging as a Spiritual Practice, A Contemplative Guide to Growing Older and Wiser by Lewis Richmond in which he writes about the importance of being flexible and not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. "Rigidity reduces pleasure and possibility in our life and closes doors that need to remain open for aging to blossom." I decided to blossom today!  I decided to listen to what I really wanted and needed to do today, and I have followed those whispers one after the other.  
     I emptied my bulletin board of the happy accumulation from 2011 and made my year-end collage with those items. The nearly empty board now awaits this year's cards and pictures and Chinese fortunes and who knows what else will be welcomed there. I went through a small pile of notes and discarded or redirected. I found a stash of cards that have been sent to me over the years, including one from my mother written in 2001 and for a moment I sat quietly and enjoyed her presence. I did quite a bit of this and that, but not what I intended to do. Oh well. Some intentions are looser than others.
     One of my daily intentions is to practice centering prayer, and before I fixed myself lunch I sat in the living room in the quiet and rested in Spirit's presence. Later on today I will keep another of my daily intentions: I will write today's letter and even though I don't yet know who will be the recipient, I trust I will know when it is time to write.  Those intentions carry more weight than the intention to clean today. However, my intention tomorrow is TO CLEAN!