When my mother would call to wish me "Happy Birthday," she would add, "I can't believe you are x years and that makes me x years." I admit I was irritated by her need to focus on what MY birthday meant about her own age, but our daughter Kate turns 40 this month, and now I find myself thinking about the relevance of those years in my own life. How is it possible that I have a daughter who is 40, I think, and yes, that means, I am 66. How did that happen? Sorry, Mom, I now understand why my birthdays were not just a celebration of my life, but also a measurement of yours.
I look at our beautiful and talented daughter, who seems to handle all the facets of her busy life with such ease, and see that she is in the prime of her life. Her husband Mike and the kids, her work, including a new business she is starting, 9 Open Doors, Enneagram Coaching and Consulting, volunteer work, care of her home, her extended family, and friends, and attention to her own physical and emotional needs all add up to a bustling, on-the-go life. She seems to thrive, and I am in awe.
I'm lucky, for I am her mother and therefore, she is a key person in my life, but if I didn't have the good fortune of being in that role Kate is someone I would want to know. Clearly, I am not the only one, for at the birthday party Mike arranged for her the other night, their backyard was full of friends and family who love and respect her.
Yes, this is her time to celebrate and be celebrated, but one of the gifts of having children is how they become a measure of our own days.
* 40 years ago Bruce graduated from medical school and started his residency in family practice in Minneapolis. For forty years he has been a vital and caring physician to families and individuals in all stages of life. Now Dr. B is in a new stage of life himself--partial retirement and working from home.
* 40 years ago I ended my teaching career as a high school English teacher, but over the years I reclaimed and reformed myself as a teacher in a variety of ways; ways I could never have imagined when I left my classroom at Webster Groves High School on that last day. Today I wonder what the next form my life as teacher will take.
* 40 years ago Bruce and I moved from St Louis, where he attended medical school, to St Paul. He drove the U-Haul truck, and I drove our car. I was pregnant, very pregnant, and we had no idea yet if we would get the loan for the house we hoped to buy. Fortunately, we did get the loan, but we had to live with my parents for a month before we closed on that house. A testament to my parents' generosity. Since then we have moved many times and 40 years later we now live in the very same neighborhood, only blocks away, from our first house.
* 40 years ago we became parents for the first time, and we embarked on four decades of life, love, surprises, jolts, obstacles, changes, delights, and growth, so much growth. However, we didn't always take the time to acknowledge it all. That's what this time--40 years later--is for.
Kate is 40 this month and Geof turned 35 in March, and yes, I wonder how it is possible that the time has passed so quickly. I have a hard time remembering myself at those ages, and I suspect they are living in a more conscious and intentional way than I did. I hope so. I know they have given so much to us, and I look at them and the passage of time with wonder and gratitude.
* 40 years ago was a time of huge change for us. This past year has been another time of huge change for us, as well. It is good to honor our own resiliency and adaptability and to count our joys.
An Invitation
What milestones have made you look back over your life recently? How do you measure your days? Are there ways you need to acknowledge the passage of time? I would love to know.
Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 66. Being confined with a broken ankle is not exactly how I thought I would celebrate my birthday this year, but as my father is known for saying, "That's the way it is."
I recall many wonderful birthday celebrations in my life: going to see "My Fair Lady" on Broadway for my 13th birthday, celebrating my 40th with dear women friends at a surprise luncheon planned by my husband, doing Tai Chi on the beach in Zanzibar for my 50th. However, I also recall one year in my 30's when we got up in the morning to so much snow that all birthday plans were cancelled.
Birthdays are not always easy to handle, and I think about a picture of what must have been my 6th birthday. My birthday guests are seated on the steps of our house, and I am turned away from them, sobbing. Was I overwhelmed? Disappointed? Was the reality less than what I had built up in my mind? Who knows, for that was 60 years ago, and I have learned over the decades that some years are just better and easier to celebrate and be celebrated than others.
The Movement of God
I assume this will be one of those birthdays I will not forget, nor do I want to forget it, for even though I am confined and moving slowly, I recognize there are gifts in this time. The challenge is to recognize and honor them. Joan Chittister in her book The Story of Ruth offers a good starting place for ongoing reflection:
Change points are those moments in life in which
we get inside ourselves to find out that we are not,
at the end, really one person at all. We are many--
each of them lying in wait to come to life. We are
each a composite of experiences and abilities, of
possibilities and hopes, of memories, and wonder,
of gifts and wishes. Every stage of life calls on a
different dimension of the self. Every stage of life
is another grace of being that teaches us something
new about ourselves, that demands something sterner
of ourselves, that enables us to learn something deeper
about our God.
One of the questions often asked in spiritual direction is "How is God moving in your life right now?" A good question, and one that even though I am not moving very much right now or perhaps because I am not moving easily or quickly during these recovery weeks, this is the perfect time to reflect on the movement of God in my life right now. If you have been reading this blog, you know how much the theme of moving has figured into my life over the last couple years. Now my challenge is to come to a place of quiet and stillness in which to feel how God is moving in my life, "to learn something deeper about our God."
Questions for Discovery
Who is this Nancy who is not moving? Who is this Nancy whose springtime plans are on hold and whose lists for doing are not being accomplished? Who is this Nancy who loves quiet time for reading and writing and meditating, but when she chooses it? Who is this Nancy who prefers to handle her own needs and now must accept the help of many? What is this time-out preparing this Nancy to do, to be? Who is the Nancy who will come to life because of this time of not moving?
One thing is clear: God is moving in my life, the life of this Nancy right now, in the form of all those who have offered prayers and well-wishes for my healing and all those, who have helped in so many concrete ways, especially my family. God is in the movement of my husband who has been the perfect combination of taking charge and doing what needs to be done, anticipating my needs, but backing off when that was the right response. And pushing me when that was exactly what I needed.
Every Moment of Your Life
In some ways I feel like a young child getting dressed and making my bed "all by myself," but I also feel like the accumulation of all my birthdays, entering years when there is more memory than future. Peter Levitt in his book Fingerpainting on the Moon, Writing and Creativity as a Path to Freedom says, "Step forward and put new ground beneath your feet every moment of your life." Every moment of your life means even those moments when your feet are not moving very steadily. It's in the "every moment" that one is invited to know the movement of God.
I am listening. I am stopping. I am becoming still. I am accepting. I am receiving. I am opening. I am healing. I am sensing the movement of God in my life.
A Blessing
"May you move through the day with eyes open to the God who shines like the sun within and around you." Jan L. Richardson
An Invitation
How is God moving in your life right now? I would love to know.
I recently celebrated my 64th birthday and am now in my 65th year, as "kindly" pointed out by a teasing friend. I was celebrated in many ways and am so grateful for my loving family and friends. I must admit, however, that this birthday has raised some mild panic and anxiety in me. Of course, the days of our lives are always numbered, but the number of days left, while unknown, feel tangible. I know, if I stay mindful, calm, and aware, these feelings can be a valuable teacher for me. What am I noticing and what am I learning?
As always, I turn to books for guidance, but here's the dilemma. Too many books, too little time. I used to say that with glee and great anticipation, but now each book I choose to read feels more like a decision of what I won't have time to read. I stand in front of my bookshelves after completing a book and agonize about what to read next. I want it to be absorbing and worthwhile. I want to know that when I read the last page, I will want to recommend it to my reading friends and will feel blessed by the words and thoughts. I want to be enriched for the time spent in its pages, its world and wisdom. However, more and more often I read 20 or 30 pages and then toss the book in the "Help Yourself" basket in our first floor bathroom. I wonder, as I shop my shelves, if my tastes have changed. I am more attracted, for the first time in my life, to nonfiction than fiction, but nonfiction feels more like a commitment, and I am cautious about making the right commitment.
One recent read has complicated the issue, On ReReading by Patricia Meyer Spacks. http://www.hup.harvard.edu/ Spacks makes a strong case for rereading favorite books.
Reading a book for the first time can rarely if ever offer the kind of relaxed pleasure that comes with previous knowledge of how everything is going to turn out. It is equally true that reading a book for the first time rarely stimulates the kind of subtle discriminations that become possible when much in the text feels familiar. (p. 34)
Second and subsequent readings can intensify the delight by diminishing concern for how the plot will work out...We want to see more clearly the steps by which the plot achieves its intricacies or we look forward to re-encountering a delightful character, or we hope to revel in the language of a narrative when we no longer need to pay such close attention to events. (p. 140)
Oh great, not only do I have shelves of books I haven't yet read for the first time, but now I am thinking about all the books I want to reread: all of Jane Austen's books AGAIN, Possession and also The Children's Book by A.S. Byatt, the Harry Potter books, Madeleine L'Engle's memoirs, Romantic Education by Patricia Hampl and many, many more.
There's another problem. Bookstores. I love good bookstores and want to support them, especially since independent bookstores are not much in evidence these days. Last week I made a pilgrimage to Garrison Keillor's bookstore Common Good, http://www.commongoodbooks.com/which has recently opened in a new and larger location in St Paul. Yes, I came away with a new pile to add to existing piles. Never mind that only days earlier I had been to Arcadia Books in Spring Green, WI http://readinutopia.com/and had helped boost their daily profit. Plus, I am thrilled to say that several people gave me books for my birthday. All terrific titles that tantalize me with taunts of "Read me next."
Theoretically, I have more time to read and that is a good thing, but there is so much more to read and that includes blogs and other online material and newspapers and magazines. I have always been addicted to magazines, but there is simply not enough time left to devour it all, and I am painfully aware of that fact.
I turn to Thich Nhat Hanh for advice.
In; out.
Deep; slow.
Calm; ease.
Smile; release.
Ah, I am ready to choose my next book and to live my 65th year, but I must admit I wonder what will be the last book I read!
So what's on your Book Bucket List? What do you want to reread and what books are waiting to be read for the first time? I would love your list, even though it makes me shudder to think about how my own book lists and piles could grow as a result.
