Anger and the Hearings: Tuesday's Reflection

What a week it was! 

I was glued to the hearings for the Supreme Court justice this last week, as I am sure many of you were. I will continue to follow the process carefully, and I will send a letter of gratitude to Amy Klobuchar, who happens to be my senator and in a few weeks at the midterm election I will get to vote for her again. She may be a senator from Minnesota, but she clearly was representing many beyond her jurisdiction when she asked "Where is the bravery in this room?" and when she reminded the other committee senators that the constitution does not say, "'We the ruling party. ' The constitution says "We the people.'"

Her questions to Brett Kavanaugh and her steady demeanor when he tried to shake her with inappropriate questions will remain in my memory for a long time. Clearly, she was angry, but she directed her anger into focused clarity. 

Both Klobuchar and Kavanaugh were passionate, but one chose to rage, and the other didn't. How different would you respond if  Klobuchar had been the one to exhibit such open anger and Kavanaugh had instead lowered the tone of his voice and responded in a civil and measured manner?

And what about the difference between Dr. Ford and Kavanaugh? Or Lindsey Graham and Klobuchar or Feinstein? I imagine these hearings will someday be perfect subject matter for not only college political science courses, but also psychology classes. 

Aside from the political implications of the last few days, I have thought about my own anger; something I don't express openly very often, if at all. My anger is apt to dissolve into tears, as it does for many women.

Many years ago a therapist in a counseling session told me I could continue talking through my tears; that crying doesn't need to halt what I feel and need to express. It seems obvious, but had never occurred to me. That piece of advice has been helpful, for sure, but still I know I don't allow fury to surface. 

This summer my writing mentor mentioned after reading a draft of my memoir that she sensed some underlying and unexpressed anger   in my writing. On no! Do I have to go there? 

I dutifully pulled out my dog-eared and heavily marked up copy of The Dance of Anger, A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Goldhor Lerner first published, would you believed, in 1985. And still in print. Order your copy now!

In the first chapter I met myself--again--right away in the first chapter, a section called "The 'Nice Lady' Syndrome." 
               ...we stay silent--or become tearful, self-critical,
               or 'hurt.' If we do feel anger, we keep it to ourselves
               in order to avoid the possibility of open conflict. 
               But it is not just our anger that we keep to ourselves;
               in addition, we may avoid making clear statements
               about what we think and feel, when we suspect
               that such clarity would make another person 
               uncomfortable and expose differences between us. 

Lerner refers to "a storehouse of unconscious anger and rage." 

Oh no! Do I have to go there?

So perhaps I need to go into that storehouse and see what's there that still matters now, and perhaps Amy K in her direct and clear self and her clarity about what truly matters can be my role model. 

I turned a couple more pages and read about "The 'Bitchy' Woman,"  a label that indicates how our society doesn't value angry women and how they are seen as threats, especially to men, and who need to be silenced. An angry woman who doesn't voice her anger effectively--with clarity, direction, and control- often is not taken seriously and is not heard. 

Once again, look to Amy K and her superpowers. She is not a "Bitchy Woman." Nor is she is the victim of the "Nice Lady Syndrome," which in my part of the world we call "Minnesota Nice." 

I will continue re-reading the Lerner book, for I know I still have work to do to become my authentic self and to bring that authenticity to my memoir. A friend reminded me that age 70 is a good time to do this!  (If not now, when!) But who knew I would find a role model in Washington!

An Invitation
How good are you at expressing your anger? I would love to know. 

Thursday's Reflection: Halloween Thoughts

Tomorrow night is Halloween, and I can finally open the big bag of candy I hid from myself in the pantry cupboard. I am actually quite proud of myself for not sneaking "just one." We will be at our daughter's house for their neighborhood chili supper and therefore, we will leave a big bowl of treats on our front step with a note to please, take one, and be considerate of other goblins. We have been told about a couple blocks in our neighborhood that go all out with decorations, and I hope the weather is warm enough for an investigative walk. I am not one, however, to go to Haunted Houses. I don't like being scared. 

This may seem like a big jump, but stay with me. Lately, I have been thinking about winter, and how this year I am not looking forward to it. I have always loved winter and not minded the snow and the cold. In fact, winter usually doesn't last long enough for me. In the past, winter has been a creative and deeply spiritual time for me, and the beauty of the bareness and white has inspired me.

I know where my lack of enthusiasm, even anxiety, comes from this year. The ghost of Christmas past is stalking me, and I am concerned about falling again. I broke my ankle at the end of March and it has been a long recovery, and, in fact, the bones have not yet fully healed. The orthopedist tells me at each visit that there has been more healing, but that complete mending takes a year. That means winter will be in full swing before my anniversary date. 

I know I am anxious, for I have mentioned how I almost dread the arrival of winter this year to several people. When I do that, I know it is time to sit with what is weighing on me. 

When I have admitted to my concern about winter this year the first response from others is to tell me to buy good boots. I appreciate that and will, for sure, make sure I have the right boots for our challenging conditions. After my fall a number of people quizzed me about how it happened in a way that made me feel I had done something wrong, had been negligent or reckless in some way and could have prevented the fall. Who knows, but I was wearing boots when I encountered the smoothest, slickest ice under the skim of snow,  and accidents do happen. 

I will take precautions this winter and be as smart as I can about what is the safest thing to do. I won't walk to my Monday evening class, which is several blocks away, on snowy and icy nights, but I don't want to fall prey to the kind of anxiety that will prevent me from driving to class, unless there are blizzard conditions present. That's the difference between being cautious and smart and being paralyzed. 

Here's what Harriet Lerner http://www.harrietlerner.com says in 

her book Fear and Other Uninvited Guests, Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving:

          Usually, anxiety is a mean trickster. It signals you to

          pay attention, but it also turns your brain to oatmeal,

          narrows and rigidifies your focus, and obscures the

          real issues from view. Anxiety tricks you out of the

          "now" as you obsessively replay and regret the past

          and worry about the future. It tricks you into losing

          sight of your competence and your capacity for love,

          creativity, and joy. It tricks you into believing that

          you are lesser and smaller than you really are. Anxiety

          interferes with self-regard and self-respect, the 

          foundation on which all else rests. p. 54

Last winter was tough--it was unbearably cold and we had a ton of snow, which kept on falling, storm after storm, and winter seemed to drag on forever. The Farmer's Almanac says it is going to be another winter like last year's. Bummer! Last winter was challenging in other ways as well. I was living here and my husband was commuting between here and Madison on weekends. We sold our Madison house in January and had to manage that move. We, also started getting my Dad's house ready to sell, and all this was on top of lots of change and challenge the previous year as well. When I broke my ankle, I truly wonder what else could happen. My mind races back to all of that, and I feel anxiety move right in. 

I know that anxiety can be a signal to pay attention and can be protective and life-preserving, fear, also, can be debilitating. Lerner says, 

          

          The more you try to make fear go away (an impossible

          dream), rather than learning to function with it, the worse

          you will feel about yourself. You will mistakenly see

          yourself as a weak and impaired individual, rather than 

          as a strong, competent person… p. 55

How does this all relate to Halloween? Halloween is a chance to confront some of the fears lurking in our imagination. We have a chance to be brave, to go out in the dark where goblins and ghosts are around the corner. In our costumes, we can be in disguise and set aside our real world for a brief moment. Halloween isn't about who we have been or who we will be, but about answering the doorbell and seeing who is on the other side. "Trick or Treat."

Winter is inevitable. It will arrive as it always does, and I can't do anything about its length or the amount of snow or how low the temperatures plunge, but I can move forward bravely, remembering the love I have for winter's stillness and for the ways winter beckons me. This will be its own time, and my task is to open the door and respond to what is on the other side. 

An Invitation

What fears and anxieties do you have and how do you cope with them? I would love to know. 

Tuesday's Reflection: Rites of Passage and Test Anxiety

When you move to a new state, certain things are required. One is to register your car and get new license plates. In fact, in Minnesota you have 60 days from your move-in date to do that. I trooped off to the department of motor vehicles one morning with all the appropriate paper work--title to the car, proof of insurance, identification, and a filled-out application.  I was determined not to get frustrated and instead to be friendly and patient. Basically, that went well, even though in spite of being number two in line and having all the required documents and information, it still took over 45 minutes to complete this task. Mission accomplished.

Next on the "must do" list: take the written test for a Minnesota driver's license. That meant I needed to study the Minnesota Drivers Manual. Most of what I read seemed like common sense ("Driving faster than the posted speed limit is illegal."), or has been learned with experience, such as maneuvering roundabouts.  However, I was not familiar with the sign for a narrow bridge nor did I know it is possible to be killed in a crash when traveling at speeds as low as 12 mph. I read through the manual twice, underlining key points as I read, and then I made an appointment with myself for Test Day.

I vividly recall doing the same thing when we moved to Ohio. I studied the manual and went to a testing location and took the written test. I remember thinking when it came time to relinquish my Minnesota driver's license, "Do I really want to do this? I guess we really live here." The state employee extended his hand for the license, but I held the license  tightly, a little too tightly.  Ultimately, I handed it over, relieved at least I had passed the test. Mission accomplished.

When we moved to Wisconsin, taking the written test was not required. I wondered why that is, but I didn't argue. I breathed a sigh of relief and replaced my Ohio license with the Wisconsin one. Mission accomplished. 

Test Anxiety
I didn't need to make an appointment to take the written test, except with myself, and I didn't tell anyone that was my Wednesday morning plan. I made a lunch date with my Dad, saying I would be doing errands that morning, and in my usual morning email to a friend I didn't mention the specific "errand" I would be doing. Why? Well, what if I didn't pass and then had to admit that? I was anticipating embarrassment.

Off I went. Again, I had the appropriate documents in hand--my passport and my Wisconsin drivers license--and I had a bag full of reading material, anticipating a wait. I had meditated before leaving, and again, I was determined not to get frustrated, but instead to be friendly and patient. 

Still, I was nervous. 

How many tests have I taken over the years, beginning with the Iowa Basic Skills Tests over and over again in elementary school and later the dreaded SATs and Grad Recs and all the tests in between? Instead of accruing enough confidence to get me through yet another test, I had accumulated unconscious test anxiety, which I could feel rising as I stood in line waiting to register. 

Eventually, I was seated at the computer monitor, put on the head phones, took a deep breath, a very deep breath, and started the test.  With each answer you are told immediately if your answer is correct or incorrect. First question: correct. Yes! Second question: incorrect. Oh no! I knew 80% was a passing grade, but I didn't know how many questions there would be, and I didn't know how many questions you could answer incorrectly and still pass the test.

I took another deep breath and knew there was nothing to do, but continue. On and on and on the questions seemed to keep coming. Would this never end? I missed two other questions, becoming more nervous as I went along. Did you know a slow-moving vehicle emblem must be displayed on all vehicles that travel at speeds of 30 mph or less? I guessed 20 mph. Wrong!!!! However, one question was repeated--something about whether having a drivers license in Minnesota is a right or a privilege--and I had answered that correctly the first time, so the second time was a sweet gift. 

Relief!
Finally, the test was over, and I had passed with a score of 91%! I was elated, absolutely thrilled. I felt like I was 16 and was applying for my drivers license for the very first time. I paid my money and stood for the unflattering photo and walked out the door a little taller and lighter. Mission accomplished. 

What was that all about I have wondered in the days since then? Where does that kind of anxiety come from? After all, if I had not passed it, I could have studied more and returned to take the test again. And more importantly, I only needed to take the written test and not the road test. I am a good driver and logically, I knew I would pass the test. The idea of failing loomed over me, however. The worry I would not measure up sat heavily within. 

For the most part I am not a person who worries a great deal. I don't generally become nervous about what could happen, what might happen and what is waiting to happen. Basically, I put my confidence in preparation and then move forward, but the anxiety I felt about this test made me think about what fears I hold and about my relationship to trust. 

Re-Learning the Lessons of Trust and Courage
It seems to me that each time I feel anxiety or fear rise within me, there is an opportunity to re-learn that God is within me. Instead of discounting how my body or thoughts are speaking to me, I need to remind myself to listen closely to what life is telling me. It is through our day to day experiences, the people and situations and events that swirl around us, that there is a call to live fully, live deeply. An invitation to live with trust and courage.

Harriet Lerner http://www.harrietlerner.com ‎ has written a marvelous book about fear and anxiety, Fear and Other Uninvited Guests, Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving. I commend this book to you no matter what anxiety lurks within you today. As a sample, here is her courage list: 
          There is courage in taking action.
          There is courage in speaking.
          There is courage in questioning.
          There is courage in pure listening.
          There is courage in thinking for ourselves.
          There is courage in being accountable.

Ultimately, every decision, every action is one reflecting love or reflecting fear. Even taking the test to get my drivers license. I love living here once again, and therefore, I needed to conquer my fear of taking the test. I am so glad I did, and doing that, I know that I have reinforced, if only a little bit, my ability to live with courage and trust.

An Invitation
What kinds of situations raise "test anxiety" within you and how do you typically respond? Where are you being invited to live with courage and trust?

Your October Meditation: Halloween and Other Fears

The first Thursday of each month I will offer you a meditation to use during that month. Here is the meditation for October. 

If you are afraid of something, you give it power.
                                        Moroccan Proverb

October is the month of ghosts and goblins. This is the month in which being scared is supposed to be fun, and opportunities to scare someone else are expected.  

I remember my toddler daughter or son holding on to my pant leg when I answered the door on Halloween night. I would move forward with the big graniteware bowl overflowing with candy in my arms, and Kate perhaps in her Wonder Woman pajamas or Geof in his Superman ones would peek around the door. They wanted to see what or who was on the front porch, but did they really? They were fearful, but also, fascinated and attracted to the realm of the scary at the same time. I think they knew real people, perhaps even people they knew, were behind the vampire mask or underneath the flowing white sheet, but at the moment they wanted to experience it from a safe distance. 

The next year, however, they started talking about Halloween costumes in the summer and eventually, they were the ones ringing the doorbell and dashing off to the next house laughing and teasing each other about "being so scared!" 

What happened to their fear? When did the fear become something to conquer? How did they know that being scared need not prevent them from moving forward? 

Fear and You
What about you? When have you been afraid? What have you done to conquer that fear? And was it worth it? 

At some time or another we are all afraid. After all, the human condition is scary. The question is, however, what do we do with the fear we experience? Is it possible to replace fear with faith? What would that look like in your life? 

A Meditation on the Role of Fear In Your Life
I invite you to sit in a quiet place and close your eyes, lightly, not tightly. Take a couple deep cleansing breaths and allow your body to relax into slow, even breathing. 

In this quiet, sacred, and safe place you create for yourself, invite a memory of when you were afraid as a child to appear. That memory is in the distance, outside of your safe place. 

Note the feelings you experienced then without feeling them now. That was then, this is now. You are safe, and there is no need to relive any fear you experienced as a child. Instead, that long ago fear can be your teacher. 

If you feel your body tense, especially in your shoulders, hands, or belly, remember to breathe deeply and fully and remember you are in a sacred and safe place. Remember, too, that you can open your eyes whenever you choose. 

As you continue to breathe steadily and evenly, look at the fear. If that fear is no longer in your life, how did you conquer it? How did conquering that fear teach you to respond to other fears in your life?

As you continue to breathe steadily and evenly, ask your heart to open to the possibility of releasing any fear that has room in your life now. What would that feel like? Be with that awareness and the feelings that surround the desire to live life with less fear. 

What do you need to move beyond and through fear? Imagine yourself with the courage to unlearn fears and the ability to seek help.  Imagine trusting your own inner wisdom. Open to these possibilities. 

Once again, take a couple deep cleansing, breaths and open your eyes, feeling safe and free. 

Take a few minutes to note, perhaps in a journal or by whispering to yourself, what you felt or learned during this brief time of meditation. What will you now bring into your life? 

A Blessing
May you trust your inner courage and wisdom. 

May fears be your teacher and lead you to a life in which you achieve your highest vision of yourself. 

May you feel surrounded by a spirit of growth and mindfulness, recognizing fear as a basic human emotion, which can lead us to the miracle of faith and love. 

Resources For Further Exploration
1.      Radical Acceptance, Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach, Ph.D, especially chapter seven, "Opening Our Heart in the Face of Fear." 

2.      The Right Questions, Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford, especially chapter twelve, "Is This an Act of Faith or Is It an Act of Fear?"

3.      Healing Through the Dark Emotions, The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair by Miriam Greenspan, especially chapter seven "From Fear to Joy."

4.      Fear and Other Uninvited Guests, Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep us from Optimal Living and Loving by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.  

An Invitation
I welcome your thoughts about the role of fears in your life and also your comments about the meditation.