Fall Choices: Thursday's Reflections

The catalogs are arriving, and the emails are appearing. So many choices and directions. How can I possibly do everything I want to do? 

This happens every fall when I feel that back to school itch. All the school supplies are piled neatly at Target, and it is hard to resist not buying new notebooks and folders, although, trust me, I have my own embarrassingly rich stash. I am not interested in shopping these days and don't find myself tempted by much, except journals and notepads and pens, but I am doing my best, instead, to shop my drawers, full of those supplies.  

This Fall itch, however, is not just about opening up a new notebook. In the fall I seem to take on the behavior of squirrels, gathering winter fuel, making sure I have enough to sustain my needs. In this case, however, it is not physical needs, but instead mental and spiritual needs. In the fall I take on the behavior of the birds, preparing to migrate, but in my case it is migrating into places of learning and stimulation. In the fall I attempt to take on the behavior of the leaves, turning rich colors of red and gold in shades of new knowledge and wider experiences. 

Of course, the problem, the ongoing issue, is deciding which choices to select. I hungrily devour the catalog that comes from The Loft Literary Center, knowing that if I were to take each of the writing classes that appeals to me, I would have no time to write. I pour over the material from Wisdom Ways Center for Spirituality which is where I have in the past attended the Monday evening Hedgerow Initiative, an ongoing conversation about sacred wisdom, divine mysteries, and human questions. An email comes from the Minneapolis Institute of Arts with dates for the year's lecture series, and I would love to attend the lecture on Van Gogh and also, one on photography and Native American identity. 

Plus, living within walking distance of three colleges and universities, I know most days I could take advantage of a lecture or concert or visit to an art gallery. And how about book talks at bookstores and theatre and concert series and even classes through community recreation centers? I haven't even mentioned opportunities to volunteer and serve, and I know I want to manage my time in order to make contributions where I can. 

EEEK!

So much appeals and like the squirrel frenetically hiding nuts in the backyard, I don't want to miss anything. I need to remember my own limits, however, and be aware of when my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Which donut should I choose at the bakery? Which delectable on the menu of a special restaurant? Or which book from my existing towers should I read next? A wealth of temptations. 

Just recently, however, I decided at the last minute to not attend a Saturday morning class at The Loft. The week coming up was full of activities, and the weeks before had been highly scheduled, and I knew I needed space more than I needed the information, however worthy and helpful it was likely to be. I don't regret that decision, for immediately I felt some equilibrium return. 

This summer I have spent a major part of my time working on a book I am writing. I have taken a twelve week online class that has  stretched me, deepened my commitment, and exhausted me. I know I am a better writer because of this class, and I know my book benefits from all the time and effort. I could take the next part in this class, and eventually, I will, but not this fall. 

I made that decision after moving into stillness and becoming a listening presence to myself. I asked myself questions about what will be most life-enhancing in the coming months. In what ways do I hope to live, give, and grow? What are my goals as a writer and as a spiritual director? How do I balance family and friend time with work time? What volunteer opportunities resonate with me and where can I be effective? What about leaving space for spontaneity and for rest, restoration, and recreation? 

In some ways these questions are the same ones, with some modification, I have lived with most of my adult life. You have probably wrestled with them, too. In our earlier years these were practical, get out the calendar and figure it out questions. Negotiate with your partner, your boss, your kids.  Now because I know I have fewer falls ahead of me than the ones I have lived, I view these questions as questions for discernment. At this stage of my life I am more able to push the pause button and sit with these questions, allowing the inner voice of Spirit to start a dialogue with the person who still wants to be productive and to achieve and to accomplish. 

I now have a general plan for the fall, but one that is subject to change and modification and for the ways life just seems to happen. Yes, I will write. I will take a couple short term writing classes. I will volunteer at Peter's school and at church, beginning with the retreat I will help lead the end of September. I will meet with spiritual directees and open to ways I can teach. But I am leaving plenty of space for family time, for friend time, for me time. 

I will pay attention to the squirrels and the birds and the changing colors of the leaves, and I will pause in the midst of potential busyness and ask my inner voice of Spirit what she thinks. 

An Invitation
What questions of discernment are in your life now? I would love to know. 

Resources
The Loft Literary Center https://www.loft.org
Wisdom Ways Center for Spirituality http://www.wisdomwayscenter.org

My Big Adventure: Tuesday's Reflection

I am about to embark on a big adventure, and I must admit I am a bit nervous. Nope, I have not signed up for skydiving or kayaking down the Mississippi. I am not doing yoga on a paddle board as our daughter did this past weekend. I am not walking across the desert--walking in our neighborhood suits me just fine, thank you very much. Nor have I decided to buy a Harley and go on a road trip.  

Those of you who know me understand I am not much of a risk taker, especially when it comes to physical feats. I so admire my friend who recently went to Mongolia and stayed in a ger, also known as a yurt, a portable round tent covered with skins, and other women I know who grab zip lines in the jungle or who live and breathe for the next challenging ski run. That is not me. 

My big adventure doesn't involve leaving home or wearing special gear or applying for Visas. Preparation and hard, everyday work have been involved, however, and will continue to be necessary, along with the ongoing presence of a guide. 

If you have been reading this blog for some time, you know that I am writing a book. This past year I have spent focused time on this project, especially this summer when I have been taking an intense online twelve week class, Your Book Starts Here, Part 2, offered through The Loft. (I took Part One last fall.) A major aspect of each week has been to submit the draft of a chapter from my book to my small group of three other memoir writers for their feedback. At first that was scary, and I felt unsure and vulnerable and sometimes I was ready to turn and run back down the mountain, but I trusted my guide, the most excellent her royal highness Mary Carroll Moore, and opened myself to all the feedback my fellow writers have suggested. I am grateful for their support and camaraderie.

This week we are embarking on the next part of this trip, one that causes me to hold my breath and wonder if I am strong enough for the challenge. Our assignment this week, along with continuing to write and also submitting a chapter to our group as we do every week, is to read our entire manuscript from beginning to end. 

I have compiled, organized, and printed every chapter, every piece of unworked free writing into one document of about 71,000 words, 235 double-spaced pages, and it is now sitting on my desk. Waiting for me to take the plunge.

Why is this so scary? Well, what if I hate it? What if I feel I have totally wasted my time? What if I regret spending the four hours or so every day this summer working on this project? And then there is the other side as well. What if I basically feel good about the direction of what I am doing? Do I then have the stamina and the courage and commitment to see this book to its fruition? Will I ever be able to find an agent and if that happens, will a publisher want it? Or should I self-publish it? EEEEK--I'm a writer not a publisher. Do I have to learn all about that, too? Well, the list of fears and what ifs can go on and on. 

How easy it is to jump ahead when all that is required of me in this moment is to grab this stack of paper and sit in a comfortable chair with a Diet Coke next to me and a pink highlighter in my hand and begin to read. 

Before reading, however, I will close my eyes, lightly, not tightly, and I will breathe, first deeply and then more evenly, as I find my own rhythm. I will rest in the quiet for a few minutes, listening for that inner voice that called me to show up and to do what I have said I have wanted to do--to write. I will listen again to that voice, the voice of Spirit who lives within me and gently supports me as I attempt to be the person I was created to be. I will listen to the difference between Spirit and my active Inner Critic, who thought it would be a good idea to stop working on this pipe dream of writing a book when I didn't get the grant I applied for this last spring. That inner critic who urged me to stop working so hard. "For what? You'll never get this book published any way and you might not even finish it. You don't have to do this?"

Julia Cameron, as quoted in Creative Authenticity, 16 Principles to Clarify and Deepen Your Artistic Vision by Ian Roberts says, 
           Creativity is really a spiritual issue, point blank! 
           Period! It takes courage. Another word for courage is
           faith--and scripturally we say "faith without works is
           dead". Creatively, it is exactly the same thing, so the 
           whole trick is to get people into action, to take creativity
           out of the realm of theory and into the realm of practice.

What that means is to show up, to take the next step, however scary and uncertain. For me, today, that means daring to read what I have written. Just that. The next part of the adventure will unfold, I am sure of that. 

Therefore, I have packed my backpack for this big adventure, and I bring the following with me for sustenance and inspiration:

           I cherish my own courage. I salute myself for the
           brave action I undertake in my life. I focus with
           clarity and appreciation on the choices I have made
           which have required courage and self-determination.
           I applaud myself for my strength and my daring. Rather
           than belittle myself for my fears, I choose to honor
           myself for the bravery with which I have often walked
           through my fears. I count back in specific ways and 
           enumerate for myself examples of my own courage:
           the new friendship I have undertaken, the steadiness I 
           have shown in a difficult job, the honesty I have 
           displayed in opening a difficult conversation. I honor
           myself for my bigheartedness in the face of challenges
           from which I could have--but did not--shrunk back. My
           courage brings blessings in my life. My courage blesses
           the lives of others. 
                                            Blessings, Prayers and Declarations
                                            for a Heartful Life, pp 74-75
                                            Julia Cameron

An Invitation
In what ways are you asked to be courageous in your life right now? Is there a Big Adventure that is calling you? Is there an Inner Critic or Naysayer who gets in your way? What words do you have for that negative, nagging voice? How is Spirit guiding you and what is the next step? I would love to know. 

Resources
The Loft Literary Center https://www.loft.org 
Mary Carroll Moore http://www.marycarrollmoore.com
Julia Cameron http://juliacameronlive.com
Ian Roberts http://www.ianroberts.com

           

Thursday's Reflection: The Fullness of Life

My current morning meditation and devotion time book is The Sacred Year by Michael Yankoski, http://www.thesacredyear.com/splash/sacredYear.html and on a recent morning I read this about the spiritual life in the chapter on the practice of pilgrimage. The spiritual life trains us to

          

          intentionally watch and wait for all the ways God

          is at work in the world, all the ways God is at

          work in us, to bring us all into the fullness of life.

                                                    p. 221

I felt a little gasp inside when I read that, a little whoosh of wonder. 

Fullness.

My life feels very full right now and when I came home from an informational meeting at The Loft Literary Center https://www.loft.org about applying for a grant that would support the writing project I have started, I felt more overwhelmed than full. Almost panicky. The deadline for the project is April 3, and I am not sure, not sure at all, if I can do what the application requires before that date. Before that time we will be out of town for a few days and I am also preparing to lead a retreat early in April and there is volunteering at our grandson's school, writing this blog, being involved in church activities, spending time with my Dad, and providing Kid Care as needed. That's the short list, and it is all good, but, my, the days fly. It has always felt like a cliche when retired people talk about how much busier they are than when they worked full-time, but now I understand the truth underneath the cliche. 

The question arises: Is this the spiritual life? Are these full days what is meant by the "fullness of life"?

I asked myself this question as I stood in our sun-filled sunporch, the room we call the snuggery, this morning. The day before it had snowed --one of those light, fluffy, cleansing kinds of snows--but the sidewalks were clear, thanks to March sun, which is so different in warmth and intensity than January or February sun. I bought two bunches of forsythia earlier in the week, and their presence seems to herald spring, which always comes, even when we think it won't. I noticed more yellow blossoms than the day before, almost in defiance of the recent snowfall.  A sign of spring as winter lives on--now that is fullness. 

In fullness we live with more possibilities than one.

In fullness we live in the present, remembering the past and open to the future.

In fullness we live with awareness, responding to the gifts around us and the gifts we have within ourselves.

Fullness is not the same as busyness. When I feel overwhelmed, it is because I am too busy and maybe even proud of or attached to that busyness, and not because I am living in fullness. 

Being full is not the same as eating too much, but rather is about eating just the right amount. 

Being full is not about having no time, but, instead, is about living the time we have. 

Being full is not the opposite of emptiness, but, instead, is living with an attitude of spaciousness.

I know I need to sit quietly and consider the choices in front of me. 

How do the choices I make lead me into the spiritual life, support the spiritual life, and lead me into the fullness of life? How different these questions are from studying the pros and cons of a particular situation or dilemma. At this stage of my life I am asked to live deliberately, intentionally, always with my eyes, my whole being, in fact, awake to God's presence within and without. 

Being full grows not out of fear, but from love.

Perhaps, these prayers from John O'Donohue's To Bless the Space Between Us, A Book of Blessings, http://www.johnodonohue.com/books can be a guide as we move towards fullness in our spiritual lives.  

                May I have the courage today
                To live the life that I would love,
                To postpone my dream no longer
                But do at last what I came here for
                And waste my heart on fear no more.

                May I live this day
                Compassionate of heart,
                Clear in word,
                Gracious in awareness,
                Courageous in thought,
                Generous in love. 

An Invitation
Are you full or are you busy? What does fullness of life mean to you? Are you living a spiritual life and what exactly does that mean to you? I would love to know. 

      

Tuesday's Reflection: Little By Little, Step By Step

I had one of those "I might as well give up" moments again the other day. This fall I took an excellent online writing class through The Loft Literary Center, https://www.loft.org ,"Your Book Starts Here" taught by Mary Carroll Moore. Doing the work for that class propelled me from envisioning and imagining the book that has been in my head for quite some time to the first stages of writing it. The class is over, Moore's weekly blog http://howtoplanwriteanddevelopabook.blogspot.com, however, helps keep me on track with its suggestions and exercises. Usually.

Last week's post cautioned before spending much time structuring a book, it is wise to have about 90,000 words of free writing or rough unrevised drafts. I thought I had about 60,000 words, but after checking my drafts I discovered I only have about 28,000. EEEK!

Immediately, I spiraled out of commitment into despair and discouragement, disillusionment. Lots of "dis" words.
             Disheartened
             Disinclination
             Disjointed
             Disappointment

I left my garret office wondering why I was wasting my time. After all, lots of people my age are more than content to move through their days without any big shining purpose to guide them, motivate and stimulate them. I could do that, too. Why am protecting my mornings for writing? Think of all the book shelves and drawers I could reclaim, if I donated my writing books some place and shredded my files. I'm in my mid-60's, and maybe I don't have the kind of energy or time left to accomplish what I have set before myself. 

Yes, I tend to get a bit dramatic. 

The next morning I went right back up the stairs to my garret and re-introduced my writing self to my disgruntled and despondent self. I remembered Anne Lamott's words about facing big projects, "Bird by bird. Just take it bird by bird." Bird by Bird, Some Instructions of Writing and Life, p. 19. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Lamott

Yup, I needed to move forward word by word. Morning by morning. Day by day. Page by page. This was not the time to focus on all the words not yet written, but instead, the 28,000 I have written already, even though they await drastic revision. This was the time to focus on the current word, the one coming out of my fingertips in the present moment. 

And so I did. This past week I wrote almost 5,000 words--word by word--and, of course the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write and the more ideas I had, and the deeper commitment I felt, and the more possible this project seems. 

Over the weekend my husband and I went to see the movie Wild based on the book of the same name by Cheryl Strayed http://www.cherylstrayed.com about walking the Pacific Coast Trail by herself. In many scenes Reese Witherspoon, who plays Strayed, stops to look at the trail stretched out in front of her, and you can see on her face the temptation to give up. Somehow, however, she takes the next step and the one after that and on and on until she makes it months later to her destination.  Step by step.

Obviously, I have not had my last experience of falling into the "dis" words nor was it the first. You might recall an earlier post in which I was tempted to disown myself as a writer.  http://clearingthespace.blogspot.com/2014/11/thursdays-reflection-am-i-writer.html For now, however, I am on the path again, remembering that each step is preceded by a previous one, and each step adds on to the steps before and the steps to come. What is easier to recognize at this stage of my life is that my goal to write a book is not so much about accomplishing the goal as it is about writing the book, word by word, learning as I go, digging into clearer understanding of who I was created to be and forming a deeper relationship with Creator God.  

Mark Nepo says, "Little by little, the way the hundredth drop of water opens a seed…Everything on Earth moves by this inching between ease and pain. It's how we grow. And praising both, surrendering to both, accepting both is the work of love. The Endless Practice, p. 116.  http://www.marknepo.com

Perhaps you have a "bird by bird" in your life, although it may be drawer by drawer or box by box as you attempt to organize and simplify your home. Or perhaps it is pound by pound or class by class. Or conversation by conversation as you attempt to forgive or seek forgiveness or restore or deepen a relationship that matters to you. Whatever is in front of you, calling you, can only be experienced step by step. 

An Invitation
What in your life needs to be divided into smaller increments? What are the bird by bird lessons waiting to be revealed and practiced in your life? I would love to know.